Confessions

I am seeing a homeopathic healer and they probe deep into who one is, why one does as one does, what are one's motives and how it feels, described in words.

There is not much about my secret self that this woman has not heard. I told her that I regard myself as a great soul, a prophet sent by God to show De's lost and flailing people how to break through to a better life, and that some of the cruelest things ever done to rejected  me is the crippling loneliness, powerful, permanent social rejection and denigration inflicted upon me by mobs of hating and hateful groupists defying God, defying me, and rebelling against wisdom, love and friendly advice.

She is a liberal but she is a healer, and does listen, really listen. That she too is horrified about what I reveal, and believes none of it, does not surprise me. But, after 14 months, her healing program has helped, so we accept the other without illusion, or resentment.

Yesterday she was probing hard and unrelentingly. She wanted to know what severe, total loneliness felt like, and wanted me to put it into words. I was not unique in struggling for words to describe such a painful, undesirable existentialist position.

I told her that such deep, powerful loneliness is very depressing. It is very frightening. It is what one would flee if one could. It wipes out whatever self-esteem that one still possesses. It is a most unpleasant psychic state. It is what drives people mad, or to murderous rage (enough to take an AR15 and shoot up a McDonalds). It drives  most people to flee back into the crowd into illusion, conformity, uniformity, wholehearted embracing and spouting groupthink and the mendacious pack narrative. It is the most effective weapon that Lera employs to deprive people of individuation, individual-living, godly presence and a life of love, learning and creativity.

I also told her that my ego strength, my love of God, my optimistic spirit, my wilful stubbornness, my positive self-talking to keep psychic madness and collapse at bay, my sense of duty to hold it together for God's sake, and the presence of spiritual goodness in my whole being all have allowed me the will and strength to embrace the loneliness fully, and then it loses its ability, for the most part, to hurt me, to scare me, to drive me to a reduced state of whimpering goo.

Once one walks through the valley of pure aloneness and complete loneliness, and then exits and climbs up out of that valley into the lush green dale just ahead with sunshine and blue skies, there away angels and God to welcome the individuating individualist into their ranks.

Loneliness is sent to us by God to see if we can work through it to find heaven and great-souled living on the other side.

Once we refute and conquer loneliness, then Maya abandons us, and much becomes clearer and more evident as we gain higher and higher levels of reasoning, discovering and intellectual mastery of solved mysteries and dilemmas resolved.

Fear of loneliness is the group threat to keep people down, enslaved, illusion-filled and disillusioned with individuating and living apart from the herd. Better to run with the pack in fantasy, in asleepness, being popular, lazy, nonindividuating and safe, all while being cosseted with assurances that one is perfect just the way one is, and that one needs to improve nothing about oneself.

Work your way through your loneliness, so you too can discover who you are, and converse with the Good Spirits on the other side.