Condolences Spurned

 

I have been noticing for some time now that when people suffer a death in the family, contract a near-fatal disease, experience financial disaster and loss, or struggle painfully to survive a bitter divorce, it is the moral thing to do to reach out to them and send them a card of condolence.

 

I have long been socially unpopular, so my condolences are now often received with reserve, forced gratitude or outright silence. Why is this occurring? I think I have discovered the answer.

 

Most people run in packs and are joiners, and social ranking or popularity is the coin of the realm. It is what joining people cherish to enjoy and increase, above all other motivations.

 

When a joiner suffers a significant loss or tragedy in their lives, they do not mind being comforted, but they only want or welcome comfort from those of equal or superior rank; that input is welcome.

 

If someone is a social inferior or absolute social outcast, hearing from that person at any time is embarrassing to say the least, and may lead to a loss of social ranking, should the word get out that one received condolences from a social inferior, and actually welcomed the kind gesture. Again, all efforts must be to prevent a loss in social rank: this trumps all other considerations.

 

Another factor may be that joiners put much energy, thought and action into promoting insiders in their group, celebrating when the fellow insider is exalted, and showing commiseration and solidarity when the fellow insider is humbled.

 

The sins of the fellow insider will be ignored, explained away or whitewashed. They achievements and successes will be exaggeratively praised and deemed praiseworthy.

 

The successes of someone of lower rank or someone so individuated as to be without social standing are to be ignored or deconstructed. Their failures are to be celebrated, publicized and made to be mountains though they are mole hills.

 

To receive condolences from a social inferior or great soul might seem to the cynical, mistrusting joiner that his enemies are gloating at his ill fortune, and are drawing attention to his demise, his straitened circumstances, when no offense was intended.